Recently, my thoughts have all been geared towards life. And not just reflecting, but trying to figure out my life. My purpose, my strengths, my weaknesses, my goals. So far, there have been a lot of things I would like to do. And the more I think about my scary-very-close-and-becoming-SO-real-future, I can conclude that there are many things that I would like to do! And I am pretty good at coming up with my ideal future and just hoping that it will happen, and then my Savior gently reminds me that He has something so much greater in store for me. This can be a double edged sword sometimes, and I write to you all with all honesty. There are things in my life that I desire so deeply! I can convince myself that they are things that I NEED, I picture them in my future and when I take them out, my future can become this lifeless, and colorless picture. Humanly I have many desires and I currently am in a state where I see those desires as a necessity. Especially now, as my future is near and is becoming so much of a reality, I want to cling very tightly to the things I want to control. However, it seems the more I cling and the tighter I hold, the more out of control things seem.
For someone like myself: a list-maker, a planner, and someone who is lost without their planner (or now my iPhone), I like to know whats going on. I want to know my next step, my future plans, where I will be in a year, and (this is a very girly one) when will I get to see who my husband is? These questions have been a never-ending, very vicious cycle in my mind lately. And I become such a bitter women after I forcefully end the cycle of daunting questions about my life, I want things to go my way! But the more I think about it, the more I see things going in a different direction than I had planned or hoped.
Each decision I make, each choice about my next course of action, seems like I am deciding the fate of our galaxy. I see myself not presented with a fork in the road with two or three choices but I find myself on a road that has led me to an intersection that has about 15 different options and each of them determine the course of my life. Where to go next? Which road should I choose? And what if I don't succeed? The always present "what-if" questions become very loud, and the funny thing is; I am the one who is saying them? No one around me is asking these questions that infer that I may fail? So why do I insist on being so self-defeating? That's the million dollar question right there.
So what decision do I make? What road is the right one for me to take? May my prayer be that the Lord may comfort me and surround me in His peace.
Megan,
ReplyDeleteYou write so beautifully, and I just want you to know that you are not alone in your questions about life. I am in the same boat, and I think pretty much everyone is. We all yearn towards the future, and sometimes the past. Wanting things we don't have. I want to assure you that you shouldn't worry about it so much, because you are great now, and you are going to be great in your future. You are such a light in my life, and I cherish our friendship so much.
I also have to say that I am impressed that you are blogging in the wee hours of the morning haha! I thought I was the only one up this early this summer! Can't wait to see you tomorrow!
Hugs and Racecars,
Mason :)
Mason,
ReplyDeleteYou are darling and so grown-up for your age. But maybe it is because I insist that you never grow up, so when you do; you seem so mature! I love it. These thoughts, I have come to realize will always be ever present in our minds. And it can be so easy to try and cling to our futures, but the more cling the more we miss out on the PRESENT! And that's the fun part, who doesn't like presents anyways ;)
Your words are so encouraging, and they mean a great deal coming from you! Don't you lose sight either! You have a lot going for yourself, don't ever lose your passion for life. The world will always be trying to suck it out of you, but don't let them. It can be hard, but keep your fire burning!
I know, I am an early riser… I don't like to waste the daylight! And it was so peaceful writing in my bed while the rain was coming down. Very idyllic… (I stole this word from The Holiday hehe)
Hugs and Wine, (see what I did there??)
Megan :)