Recently, my thoughts have all been geared towards life. And not just reflecting, but trying to figure out my life. My purpose, my strengths, my weaknesses, my goals. So far, there have been a lot of things I would like to do. And the more I think about my scary-very-close-and-becoming-SO-real-future, I can conclude that there are many things that I would like to do! And I am pretty good at coming up with my ideal future and just hoping that it will happen, and then my Savior gently reminds me that He has something so much greater in store for me. This can be a double edged sword sometimes, and I write to you all with all honesty. There are things in my life that I desire so deeply! I can convince myself that they are things that I NEED, I picture them in my future and when I take them out, my future can become this lifeless, and colorless picture. Humanly I have many desires and I currently am in a state where I see those desires as a necessity. Especially now, as my future is near and is becoming so much of a reality, I want to cling very tightly to the things I want to control. However, it seems the more I cling and the tighter I hold, the more out of control things seem.
For someone like myself: a list-maker, a planner, and someone who is lost without their planner (or now my iPhone), I like to know whats going on. I want to know my next step, my future plans, where I will be in a year, and (this is a very girly one) when will I get to see who my husband is? These questions have been a never-ending, very vicious cycle in my mind lately. And I become such a bitter women after I forcefully end the cycle of daunting questions about my life, I want things to go my way! But the more I think about it, the more I see things going in a different direction than I had planned or hoped.
Each decision I make, each choice about my next course of action, seems like I am deciding the fate of our galaxy. I see myself not presented with a fork in the road with two or three choices but I find myself on a road that has led me to an intersection that has about 15 different options and each of them determine the course of my life. Where to go next? Which road should I choose? And what if I don't succeed? The always present "what-if" questions become very loud, and the funny thing is; I am the one who is saying them? No one around me is asking these questions that infer that I may fail? So why do I insist on being so self-defeating? That's the million dollar question right there.
So what decision do I make? What road is the right one for me to take? May my prayer be that the Lord may comfort me and surround me in His peace.
