Brokenness

I cannot claim this as my own, I found it on a person's (who I look up to greatly) blog. It is a wonderful analogy of the Lord crushing us into something beautiful. Sometimes this is very frustrating and we resist, which results in a product that is not pretty. It is a beautiful thing to be obedient to the Lord. But it is not always very easy.


"If we are ever going to be made into wine, we will have to be crushed-you cannot drink grapes. Grapes become wine only when they have been squeezed.

I wonder what finger and thumb God has been using to squeeze you? Have you been hard as a marble and escaped? If you are not ripe yet, and if God had squeezed you anyway, the wine produced would have been remarkably bitter...We have to be placed into God and brought into agreement with Him before we can be broken bread in His hands."

My Utmost for His Highest

Oswald Chambers

 September 30

Class Jitters.

Right now, I have got a bad case of the "Class-Time-Jitters". These typically come when one it excited about something, or is simply bored. In my case, it's both!! I am so pumped for College Life tonight but on the other hand, I am so bored in class! I am so excited about Club that class is super boring. I knew that today was going to be one of those days. I just want to get my work done so I can plan things for College Life! Our Fall Retreat is coming up soon and me and my friend Kelsey (who is also on Leadership) are doing program for the retreat and I am SO excited!! But in order for me to plan for the retreat, I have so much school to do, and I could be doing it right now… But I'm in class, not paying attention and blogging; so maybe I should just leave..? Nahhh, I'll stick it out, only 30 more minutes!!

Thoughts… I Guess You Can Call Them Conclusions Actually!

Well, my plan for blogging once a week didn't happen. I sort of knew it wouldn't, so I guess I set myself up for failure in that sense. A lot like I set most people I know up for failure, which isn't good for either parties. 


You must be thinking, "Woah, that is really dark and gloomy to say." I think it too, so don't feel bad if you were thinking it. I don't mind! Truth is, it is dark and gloomy. And silly. But I do it, and I didn't even realize it until just recently!! Gosh, and I am so glad I did. 


I have (had, well I'm working on "hading" them) these expectations for people to meet. These expectations of mine are no where near low, they are quite high. And when they don't meet them, I am crushed to say the least. I mourn. They were supposed to be there for me like I was for them! I didn't talk about them behind their back! I didn't take what they did for me for granted, I cherished it. I didn't make them feel silly for wearing clothes I didn't necessarily liked, I didn't lie to them either and tell them I liked it. (Which, is something I detest! If you do not like something, please do not tell me you do. That's lame, and not genuine.) I didn't ignore them. I wasn't fake. I was real, sometimes to real. And they didn't do all these things. They were supposed to though!! They were supposed to, they were my friend.  But, people are people and people are selfish. They are. And it hurts me dearly when they lean towards their human desires. I guess people who get upset over these things are people with a big heart. I think more people have big hearts than they let on at first. I think I'm not the only one who sets these expectations.


As humans, we want approval. Approval from who? Man, mostly. And how do we get this approval? Different ways. Everyone has ways of getting approval. For me? It's a lot of things. Silly things. Things people say you shouldn't worry about, but no matter how many times you tell yourself that, you just can't stop worrying!! There has to be "That Moment"; a moment where different fragments of ideas come together in your mind and you think, "That's what it means!! I get it now! It all makes sense." Some of the things I do for approval: Dress nicely, eat healthier (around people, you should see me in my room… only joking), lose weight, make good grades, have it "together" (whatever the heck that entails) the list goes on. BUT THESE THINGS DON'T MATTER! They don't! Aren't you so happy?! I am, and I figured it out on Thursday. I was so relieved and proud of myself for making this conclusion, Jesus helped me out though. 


I have expectations of people, why? To fill a void in my life. A void that will never be filled by other people, never. It is crazy to think it will. This void that I have, one that I mostly try to fill by getting approval of man, can only be filled by one Person. Jesus. 


It is not about losing weight or being "attractive" to the opposite sex!! It's about growing and learning from the One who created us. He knows us so well. He knows are struggles, our pains, but loves us just the same! He will never not meet our expectations! And I am so happy I realized this! It wasn't a "camp-felt-moment"--we all know those. You're at camp and you feel really moved by the speaker and you think you just get it. Yes, sometimes they are genuine! And I do not discount things that people realize while at camp. NOT AT ALL. It wasn't something that I felt like I had to believe; like it's my duty or something. I've been through all the "moments" trying to convince myself to believe something that I just didn't get quite yet. But I got this time. I sure did. 


I was sitting at my Area's Young Life Banquet (I was able to go over Fall Break, eeek!) and I was listening to a kid that I had led in Wyld Life talk about who Jesus was to him. I remember when he first came to club, his name is Jake Hayden and his older sister, Sam was one of my 8th grade girls I took to camp. He talked about how when he came to Wyld Life, he felt at home. At home. He never missed a Club. And now he is speaking about Jesus. In front of a hundred of people he doesn't even know. He talked about the leaders, I was one of them. I made a difference in his life. I led him while he was in 6th grade and then saw him again this summer when I went as an adult leader for Wyld Life camp. And now he is in high school walking with Christ. 


Walking with Christ exceeds your expectations if you are willing to live life with hands open which allows you to be more obedient, you don't have to be fake or put on the I-have-everything-together mask, and you can do GREAT things with Jesus. 

Friendship

Friendships are tricky. Because people are weird, myself included. I wonder if things were this complicated back-in-the-day before all of the social media we have. I'll admit it, I love Twitter. Facebook isn't so much my thing anymore but people use it as a means of communication, so I have to keep it. So many things can be said, without saying (or commenting) anything at all. Which leaves room for a lot of misread messages, and also a lot of hurt. It sort of sucks, actually it really sucks. I wish things were simpler, but things have never been simple. Not even in elementary school, looking back on them now they may seem like they were but when we were little kiddies getting our feelings worked up because we lost to a game of tag. (now I just assume I will because running is more difficult to me than Organic Chemistry, that is sayin' sumfin right there). I don't think things were ever "simple", nothing is simple I feel like these days. The people we meet and spend our free time with right now, will we ever see them after we walk across that stage on graduation? Some people, I believe I will! And I am so happy to have those friends in my life. But others will walk off that stage and walk out of our lives; a little dramatic? Yes, I tend to be a drama queen sometimes. But if you think about it, were those past few years a waste because we spent so much time with someone that we would never see again? I think it depends on what you learned from that person or who they affected your life. Some people aren't good friends because they're selfish, and with friendships you can't be selfish. It takes two people, because you can't have a relationship with yourself. (well maybe you can in certain cases when people have dual personalities, but in most cases two people are required) It is the worst feeling when you spent a lot of your time trying to help someone and befriend them and they took it for granted or never really appreciated it all. I'm sure I'm not the only one who has had a friend like this? Am I right? Afterwards, you feel used and unwanted. It ain't a good feeling for those of you who haven't felt it before.


I care too much. I try to see the best in people. I give people too many second chances. I give people too much of my time and often forget about my wellbeing. But I love people. I don't want to become cynical, because I hope that people aren't trying to use me, they have just never been taught anything different. I shouldn't let people get to me, but sometimes they just do!! I still, however, try and see the good in others. It's getting harder now, and I hate that. It gets harder because life gets harder. I like to leave on a good note (because this was a pretty deep post coming out right after I shredded it Jillian Michaels), so I leave my readers with this quote:

"Speak ill of no man, but speak all the good you know about everybody." 

I don't know who said this, but I think it speaks a lot of truth. It's so easy to see negative things in other people because I believe those are things we recognize in ourselves. 

When you look into someones eyes, you can see your reflection but what if what you see is more than a reflection? What if what you see is a part of yourself in that person? So how then can we look into someone's eyes and hate them, or think negative thoughts about them? Because then wouldn't we be thinking those same things about a piece of ourselves? 

Leisure Books.

I love to read. I love everything about books. The smell of the pages. Getting lost in the storyline. Everything. Currently I am caught up in "The Help". And I LOVE it. It's simply the best. It's my motivation to finishing my homework. Last night I stayed up (on a Friday night) and finished all my homework for the weekend just so I could read it for the rest of the weekend. Eeek! I want to be reading it right this second, but I'm blogging instead. I bet my readers like that! 


I would like to take this time to talk about how much reading is becoming "old timey". I think it is in a way, with all the upcoming technology at our fingertips (the play on words was intensional there). Now we have iPads, iPhones, Kindles, Nooks and so many other things to make having a book almost ancient. I will always use books. Yes, I have an iPhone but I will always prefer a book over a screen. Always. Nothing compares to a book in my book. (I am doing so great with my puns today). I hope books never go out of style though, but it sort of seems like they are. Which makes me really sad. I hope books will stay in style like a nice strand of pearls. Pearls will always be in style, I don't care what any high end fashion magazine has to say about that. They always will, ask any mom. Well except those really skinny and really tan moms who work out for a living, they might say otherwise but any other mommy wouldn't. Especially my mommy :) 


I hope after reading this blog about reading you feel inspired to read. You won't regret it, I can promise that. As long as you pick a classic book, one that won't go out of style like pearls. 


I will end with this quote, "A love of books, of holding a book, turning its pages, looking at its pictures, and living its fascination stories goes hand-in-hand with a love of learning"

Edit

Comedy.

I have previously posted about laughter, but seriously folks there is no way to get through life without laughter! I just ran into one of my friends who is hilarious. Yes, most of his comedy comes from jokes about other people but it was just what I needed! There is no way I could have made it through today without some laughter. So much to get done and so little time. I never understood why my mom would always say that, but now I get it. Sort of like the whole "You'll understand when you're older". Well, if that doesn't make me feel old I don't know what does. With the exception of freshman girls who haven't gone through puberty, or they have you just can't tell because they don't have enough body fat on them. I'll gladly lend them some of mine! The won't even have to return it! Man, suchhhh a deal. Anyways, to those of you who are reading this and you have found yourself drowning in a sea of "to-do's", just take a look at this picture and have yourself a laugh.

I assure you that you'll be entertained.

New Beginnings.

Long time no blog. How I have missed the sweet feeling of typing out my thoughts and epiphanies. As of few weeks ago, I am moved in! I have finished most everything, but of course it is going to take a few days to get completely settled in, which I have done thus far. (this blog was written the day after I moved in, but I had not yet posted it because it was incomplete and I only post perfected blogs for my readers)




However, I have only good feelings about this year. And I am certain good things are to come of twenty-eleven.  I am going to have a lot more comitments than last year, commitments that I have agreed upon nonetheless, but I am learning to take it slow. It's not in my job description to do everything, other people are just as capable of doing the same tasks that I would normally volunteer for. However, this year is different! I have restrained myself from taking on too many things that I need not do! So heres to a new semester with new beginnings and a less busy me! Of course this isn't going to come easy, but I am confident that the Lord will be able to calm my heart so that I am not a busy person with no time to spend with myself.  


I know the Lord is encouraging me to take things slow, to look inward and think about myself for once.  It's way too easy to worry about every else's problems, but when it comes to helping the person who's staring back at you in the mirror things become a little more difficult. An example: this bog has taken me about a month to finish. Hmm, that is sad and I am so sorry to have neglected you Blog. I started this Blog Post the day I moved in, right after my family had left and I am just now posting it. Man. Well, I am aiming to post at least every week! If not every two weeks, with either I would be doing good!